>>690821 I have had trouble remembering things when intoxicated but can't say I got anything like that on benzos before. Maybe I just haven't taken enough. But I feel like I do remember everything I have done on them. There's a lot of internet stories about that soviet benzo analogue, phenazepam, where people don't remember what they've done for like weeks or some such. Those stories are fucking hilarious. I want to try that phenazepam sometime, maybe when I'm not depending on my employment in case I do actually black out for a week or two and do some really dumb shit. For me, all I have gotten with benzos is a more collected and rational processing of events. I think more positively and feel more generous. But I don't have a problem with anxiety stopping me from living my life usually, maybe it's different for people who are impeded by anxious thought.
yeah they have lots of functional uses and do help me do certain things but those sorts of things they help me do aren't things i want to be doing
im away from my family and i dont have to function through such vulnerabilities anymore, so i can be me again, properly i dont want to be taking stuff that makes it harder for me to be this me it's not like an urge i have to resist, not drinking or taking benzos, it's just something i actively dont want to do because i lose the feeling that drives me forward as this person
i like being this moon i dont want to be the other moon
>>690825 i've never really felt like i've taken stuff that made me less genuinely "me" i guess though adderall makes me more robotic and not as spontaneous in motion and interest, i still feel like i'm me, more or less, just a much more focused and direct-in-approach "me" for a while i felt like i wasnt myself, though, upon ceasing communication to pretty much everyone as i used to do unlike then, i missed a crucial point of my persona by not speaking, as I had grown into a creature defined by interaction, opposing the lack of personality i once had when I did not know how to reach out to people with my true feelings it was very uncomfortable and i thought i might not be human now i feel like humans are all as distorted and absurd as me, or at least nearly i don't know what moon you are but you have my word that i have liked any and all moons presented to me for as far as my knowledge goes into mid 2013 until now, at least.
ive popped up briefly around spring 2018 and fall/winter 2016 but i haven't really persisted since whenever there was that big blizzard and i had to start being a caretaker for the fam i had to block all of that out with benzos and drinking because the emotional damage from family would have obliterated me if i didn't have some sort of insulation from it i just had to go to sleep until it was safe to come out again. a couple times i woke up prematurely and had to hit the snooze button though
it's not that any of the medication makes me feel like im not me, but it can make me lose my grounding. im grounded in my personality now and im sorting through everything, and i could screw it up if i take a break from that. even though it's a lot of work and anxiety meds would make it easier to get through, i wouldn't be making any progress if i did that. i'd probably end up further back. i'll take them if i have a bad migraine or something that i need to abort, but i won't take them to cope. it worked for coping with things i can't control, like family, things i just have to wait out, but this is my life now and my problems that i can control. i'm not in that "ignore it and wait it out" phase
the hardest part right now is the time gap. i was really used to having lobster and rika around and we'd all be emailing each other all day long about stuff the dynamics of my relationships now have changed so much that people aren't here anymore or people don't even remember that me, or relationships have been damaged in the meantime in ways that are disorienting to cope with now people here who've known me for almost seven years i guess but still don't even know my name or gender or anything about me besides my behavior while i had to cope with all that other stuff, so i just seem like a drunken compulsive oaf, which i was it's not like i can shirk the responsibility for my actions though. i can't just say "oh sorry i ruined our friendship by being an asshole, but it's okay now that
月
>>690830 "it's okay now, that wasn't actually me. i have parts of me i can't control so it's fine!" that kind of excusatory behavior reminds me of when batttered women make excuses for their husband's shitty behavior
i can't reach a lot of the people i care about anymore, and those that i can, i can't interact with through the same channels in the same ways they're all interacting with the image of me that isn't anymore so all the interaction becomes stilted it makes it really hard for me to communicate effectively because tone and intention are all misinterpeted in the context of that other person
anime's a really important aspect of that interaction to me for that reason the anime group was extremely important to me back in the day and some uncouth individual made it inaccessible to me through drama mongering i have it back now, and it's just a fragment of what it used to be that feels like it could dissolve at any moment if not treated well it's disappointing but im still really grateful that i have it and i dont want to lose it it's about the only thing that feels familiar and comfortable to me
i dont see why not it's a little insular because it's just a couple dozen people who've been around for like seven years but anyone's welcome to hang around
Yeah! It's nice to be on top of things like this again. For so long I've had to constantly keep up notepads tracking stuff because I'm stubborn. Things are way easier when there isn't twenty shows I need to remember.
